From "Laughter Never Gets Old"...
Good News and Bad News...
Funny stuff from your church bulletin?
More good news bad news:
Good:
The postman's early
Bad:
He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse:
You gave him nothing for Christmas
-=-
Bro, I got good news and bad news
Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.
-=-
Wife: I got good news, dear.
Husband: Wut?
Wife: The airbags in our car work.
-=-
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was
just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
-=-
Doctor: ôI have some bad news and some good news.ö
Me: ôWhatÆs the bad news doc?ö
Doctor: ôI have to amputate your left foot.ö
Me: ôWhatÆs the good news?ö
Doctor: ôYou are going to start the new year on the right foot.ö
George,
Funny stuff from your church bulletin?
It makes you wonder where they minds were.
More good news bad news:
Good:
The postman's early
Bad:
He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse:
You gave him nothing for Christmas
-=-
So much for getting that refund check and package on time. <G>
Bro, I got good news and bad news
Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.
-=-
Mine didn't deploy in the wreck I was involved in 3 months ago.
I wasn't at fault, but while I got "a mere pittance" in the
settlement, at least they paid the $9100 chiropractic bill.
Wife: I got good news, dear.
Husband: Wut?
Wife: The airbags in our car work.
-=-
I can't say the same for the car. :P
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
-=-
Or the homing pigeon decided to walk instead of flying to deliver the message, because "it was such a nice day". <G>
Doctor: ôI have some bad news and some good news.ö
Me: ôWhatÆs the bad news doc?ö
Doctor: ôI have to amputate your left foot.ö
Me: ôWhatÆs the good news?ö
Doctor: ôYou are going to start the new year on the right foot.ö
That's like the sculpture with a left and right foot made out of
winter precipitation -- you have two feet of snow. <G>
... Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
It makes you wonder where they minds were.
Oh, I've known(none "Biblically") a few church secretaries -- I *KNOW* where their minds were! *LOL*
So much for getting that refund check and package on time. <G>
Have you got all you're due from those?
Yeah, insurance comnpanieds already prnt money, but that's not good
enough -- they want MORE! (it's "love of money" I think)
A good friend of mine, recently passed, was a lawyer who exclusively worked to sue the government auto insurance co here. He made a good living, with zero lost cases in 50 years - that shows how wrong this insuiranceco is on average!
They caught on & cheated, now passed a law making it illegal to dispute their findings (they're always right i they're not proved wrong in a
court of law, right *sigh*)
Anmother buddy, a cabbie, got hit buy a drunk at 02h30 on 01/01 (oh, sorry, I forgot youse puts the dates goofy: make that on 01/01); his wheelchair van cab was totaled($186,000 gone!); the insuranceco is
giving him $10K replacement value. :(
Criminal. I don't drive, so I'm good. . .
Or the homing pigeon decided to walk instead of flying to deliver the message, because "it was such a nice day". <G>
& Hitler started WW2, some say, because he wasn't accepted into art school..
Doctor: ôYou are going to start the new year on the right foot.ö
That's like the sculpture with a left and right foot made out of
winter precipitation -- you have two feet of snow. <G>
I love that one! I have it here somewhere; I'd include it if we were chatting in regular email(internet)
... Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Hyperchondria is much better (excessively good health)
George,*KNOW*
It makes you wonder where they minds were.
Oh, I've known(none "Biblically") a few church secretaries -- I
marriedwhere their minds were! *LOL*
Several years ago, at a church I was attending, a large number of
womenin
in the choir were becoming pregnant. The jokes were "There was something
the Baptistry Water", and "These were the ones who took the churchbulletin
note thatgive
said 'All those wishing to become pregnant, please see the Pastor in his study'...
and 'The pancake supper will be at 8am Saturday. All ladies wishing to
milk,
please come early'". <G>
So much for getting that refund check and package on time. <G>
Have you got all you're due from those?
As far as I know. I dropped the tax stuff off at the preparer earlier today.
Yeah, insurance comnpanieds already prnt money, but that's not good enough -- they want MORE! (it's "love of money" I think)
And, we know what the love of money is. :P
A good friend of mine, recently passed, was a lawyer who exclusively worked to sue the government auto insurance co here. He made a good living, with zero lost cases in 50 years - that shows how wrong this insuiranceco is on average!
Well, I needed the money to keep from getting overdrawn...they did pay
the $9100 chiropractor bill.
disputeThey caught on & cheated, now passed a law making it illegal to
their findings (they're always right i they're not proved wrong in a court of law, right *sigh*)
Sort of the workplace rules where:
Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: If the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
Anmother buddy, a cabbie, got hit buy a drunk at 02h30 on 01/01 (oh, sorry, I forgot youse puts the dates goofy: make that on 01/01); his wheelchair van cab was totaled($186,000 gone!); the insuranceco is giving him $10K replacement value. :(
They prefer you settle it out of court, and if I didn't need the money
so quick, I would've taken them to court.
Criminal. I don't drive, so I'm good. . .
In driving to and from Cabot, about 30 miles northeast of Little Rock, earlier today...I went through town. It took longer to get there, but
people weren't passing me like I was sitting still.
the other parents...so much for a sportsmanship lesson to the kids.
That drive to and from Cabot wore me out...I'm about to pass out here
at the computer. I've been fighting intestinal flu the last few days (I
must have eaten something that my colon didn't like), and haven't slept well. So, it'll be nap time once I finish this QWK packet.
Hallitosis is better than no breath at all. :P
... Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy." -Unknown
Whoops. There wa something in the air at the church picnic. . . LEGS!
I do mine o9nline & get the refund the next day or so; it's alrweady
been spent. By lw we hgave to hve our T slips sent out by end-Feb by employers (I get most by email, so instant reception--none of that atavistic snail mail stuff!); my wife does it online Form is
auto-filled with income data; se's just asked to make a donation for
use of the software (we usually give $5-$10 for each for our three
forms (wife, daughter, & me)
Very handy, especially since they re-added the Working Disability Tax Credit (used to be a refundable $1k; now only $250 *sigh*)
And, we know what the love of money is. :P
Evil begins with greed, yup.
I get you. . . sadly, the practice is now to rebate you first paying
the expenses. (thus the co keeps earning interest no their money
longer)
If & when you everhave to go to court with an insurance co, include interest as part of your ask.
Sort of the workplace rules where:
Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: If the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
I long ago decided if Uim ever a boss, that's going on my door.
I operate as if it's the rule everywhere I work. It works.
Yup, because they know you alone will sign quicker(cheaper) than you+lawyer+judge.
Why? You drive at the speed limit & they've increasded "speed of
traffic" by leaving he house late & filling up bladder with a venti Staryucks coffee or two?
True story, in Ontario up here:
Basically, if you dispute & the cop shows up in court, you go down, no matter what actually happened. If the cop is too busy doing REAL
police work to show up, you win.
So, if a municipality is pushing for more revenue from traffic tickets, showing up is considered important police work.
But they TRIED, & that itself browns my biscuit!
No kidding. Lately I'm seeing news articles of parents, not players, being kicked out of games for yelling at the ref/ump. Good!
"Lady," he replied, after looking at ownership papers, "I saw your
bumper sticker from our church, with the fish on it, & I saw the driver[her] acting as you did, I had to assume this car was stolen!"
jeeze, dude! NEVER put emails ahead of health! Make it a rule!
Hallitosis is better than no breath at all. :P
True.
... Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy." -Unknown
Death is Nature's way of saying, "You had a good run, but Game Over."
George,LEGS!
Whoops. There wa something in the air at the church picnic. . .
It would seem so...never mind the goodies in the picnic basket. <G>
I do mine o9nline & get the refund the next day or so; it's alrweady been spent. By lw we hgave to hve our T slips sent out by end-Feb by employers (I get most by email, so instant reception--none of that atavistic snail mail stuff!); my wife does it online Form is auto-filled with income data; se's just asked to make a donation for use of the software (we usually give $5-$10 for each for our three forms (wife, daughter, & me)
Since they extended the US Federal and state (Arkansas) deadline until
May 17, I told the tax preparer that there's no rush...but to call me if there were questions, etc.
Very handy, especially since they re-added the Working Disability Tax Credit (used to be a refundable $1k; now only $250 *sigh*)
These people saying they can't survive on $250,000+ a year don't have a clue. Even the late Howard Hughes lies in his grave without even a wooden nickel in his hand.
And, we know what the love of money is. :P
Evil begins with greed, yup.
I like the joke around tax time, where the guy goes deer hunting... because he can always send the IRS a couple of bucks. <G>
I get you. . . sadly, the practice is now to rebate you first paying the expenses. (thus the co keeps earning interest no their money longer)
With my first of two COVID-19 shots today, I postponed the rest of my medical stuff until mid-May...allowing 3 weeks after both shots.
If & when you everhave to go to court with an insurance co, include interest as part of your ask.
I didn't have a ton of pain and suffering, but more inconvenience being without transportation, plus the repair costs.
Sort of the workplace rules where:
Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: If the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
I long ago decided if Uim ever a boss, that's going on my door.
Remember...boss spelled backwards is double S.O.B. <G>
Well, I got a nice surprise the other day. There was apparently an overpayment to Hospice for my late Mom. The money covered what I paid
for repairs on the car...but that's set aside for the colonoscopy,
and property tax (personal and real estate costs). The letters I got
from the insurance/annuity company after my Mom's death, along with
two big checks noted "This is a non-taxable transaction. No Federal
Income Tax was withheld (sp?)". As long as my only "tax fees" are the
$50 for doing my tax...and the personal property and real estate
taxes for my brother and I, I'll be happy.
Why? You drive at the speed limit & they've increasded "speed of traffic" by leaving he house late & filling up bladder with a venti Staryucks coffee or two?
It makes you wonder if they are late for lunch. I did see a bumper
sticker that noted "I'm speeding because I have to go poop"...and
another one that noted "I'm not speeding...I'm chasing tornadoes".
noTrue story, in Ontario up here:
Basically, if you dispute & the cop shows up in court, you go down,
matter what actually happened. If the cop is too busy doing REAL police work to show up, you win.
So even if the speed of traffic is above the speed limit, it's legal.
That makes as much sense as tits on a boar hog. If they're not going to enforce speed limits, WHY have them??
tickets,So, if a municipality is pushing for more revenue from traffic
showing up is considered important police work.
Several communities have gone to court over this.
But they TRIED, & that itself browns my biscuit!
More like blackens it.
No kidding. Lately I'm seeing news articles of parents, not players, being kicked out of games for yelling at the ref/ump. Good!
I still remember the late Billy Martin of the New York Mets, after he
got kicked out of the game. He was still kicking and throwing dirt, sand, etc. on to the umpire.
"Lady," he replied, after looking at ownership papers, "I saw your bumper sticker from our church, with the fish on it, & I saw the driver[her] acting as you did, I had to assume this car was stolen!"
I've seen variations of that.
jeeze, dude! NEVER put emails ahead of health! Make it a rule!
Usually my colon wakes up a few minutes after I do. :P You can never
leave the call of nature to the answering machine; especially considering
it calls at the most inopportune time.
Hallitosis is better than no breath at all. :P
True.
Like the commercial for a new box of baking soda in the icebox to eliminate odors. "Onion Power...Ahhhhh". <G>
... Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy." -Unknown
Death is Nature's way of saying, "You had a good run, but Game Over."
No overtime allowed, either.
It would seem so...never mind the goodies in the picnic basket. <G>
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter (errm, the 'picnic basket')
He opens it, sees the gold, & exclaimed, "PAVEMENT! Why would you bring pavement?!"
I like the joke around tax time, where the guy goes deer hunting... because he can always send the IRS a couple of bucks. <G>
Oh, don't do that; my boss told me of a neighbour who gave the property inspctor some venison as a goodwill gift once, from then on in, he HAD
to give him more & more venison, else get an expensive audit.
With my first of two COVID-19 shots today, I postponed the rest of my medical stuff until mid-May...allowing 3 weeks after both shots.
Wise. One thing at a time for your body to deal with, eh? :)
Glad it worked out to your satisfaction.
Remember...boss spelled backwards is double S.O.B. <G>
I never forget. Although I'm blessed now with a good boss (the big boss(owner) anyway)
God provides; nice! Congrats!
It's about that frivolous; they CHOSE to leave their house late that
day.
I picture myself as a boss:
Me: "You're late again."
Employee: "the bus broke down, then the skytrain(commuter light rail)
had delays."
Me: "I don't pay the transit company to get you here on time. I pay
YOU to be here on time. . or do I?"
Oh it's logical: They're claiming wghatever leads to greates safety.
You can be hit with "driving dangerously" for not matching flow of traffic.
I knew a guy who came from US, where he was part of the federal group
that made the 55MPH federal(interstates) speed limit. He consulted with our government to show them how many millions of % they could make with every 5MPH the speed lmit was artificially lowered. It always was a
cash grab.
To push for cops being allowed to "phone it in"? Hopefully the first
few people dinged can aford a lawyer good enough to make a good Constitutional challenge.
He explained how it's his job to enforce these laws and asked how he
was supposed to "let it go" if her speeding led to others speeding, leading to a dead kid on the road? She clammed up & aploogized.
Yup, I don't answer Nature's Call; I jump to attention at Nature's
Holler!
Hallitosis is better than no breath at all. :P
True.
Like the commercial for a new box of baking soda in the icebox to eliminate odors. "Onion Power...Ahhhhh". <G>
??
Not usually. I've decided that "Everyone dies some time" but I'm not going to bother.
"I'm no afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it
happens" --M. Twain
George,
It would seem so...never mind the goodies in the picnic basket. <G>
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter (errm, the 'picnic basket')
That's what Yogi Bear always wanted...not sure if he ever got that, as Boo-Boo was always admonishing him, as was "Mister Ranger".
bringHe opens it, sees the gold, & exclaimed, "PAVEMENT! Why would you
pavement?!"
Really...I doubt there are potholes in Heaven.
propertyI like the joke around tax time, where the guy goes deer hunting... because he can always send the IRS a couple of bucks. <G>
Oh, don't do that; my boss told me of a neighbour who gave the
HADinspctor some venison as a goodwill gift once, from then on in, he
beforeto give him more & more venison, else get an expensive audit.
Oh, boy. I never cared for venizen or hunting. My brother used to,
he got so bummed up after a freak motorcycle wreck 3 months after my wife died (it nearly killed him). He lives out in the county, and one time,there
was a deer in his yard...so, here comes "the big brave naked deer hunter" <G>.
theWith my first of two COVID-19 shots today, I postponed the rest of my medical stuff until mid-May...allowing 3 weeks after both shots.
Wise. One thing at a time for your body to deal with, eh? :)
No real reaction to the first Pfiezer shot...although the long drives
day before, combined with a big lunch before I took the shot, made me sleepy. So, it was nap time when I got home.
Glad it worked out to your satisfaction.
I would've liked more, but the setup kept me from being overdrawn.
Remember...boss spelled backwards is double S.O.B. <G>
I never forget. Although I'm blessed now with a good boss (the big boss(owner) anyway)
A former Sysop (cancer killed him over a year ago), was working at the answering service that his late wife started. One guy was complaining,
and said he wanted to talk to his supervisor. He was told to hang on,
while he went to get him. While the complainer is on hold, this guy goes outside to smoke a cigarette. He comes back inside, and answers the
phone. The complainer says "You're the Supervisor??", and when told "Yes", he growled "I want to talk to the owner". Again, he's told to hold on for
a minute...and the guy goes out for another smoke. Then, comes back and answers the phone. Talk about chief cook and bottlewasher. <G>
God provides; nice! Congrats!
I was really wondering. I just hope I don't have to pay any income tax.
It's about that frivolous; they CHOSE to leave their house late that day.
Yep. When I was taking Uber, I allowed 30 minutes prior to the appointment, so if there were delays, I had a bit of a cushion.
I picture myself as a boss:
Me: "You're late again."
Employee: "the bus broke down, then the skytrain(commuter light rail) had delays."
Me: "I don't pay the transit company to get you here on time. I pay YOU to be here on time. . or do I?"
True.
Oh it's logical: They're claiming wghatever leads to greates safety. You can be hit with "driving dangerously" for not matching flow of traffic.
That makes as much sense as tits on a boar hog.
withI knew a guy who came from US, where he was part of the federal group that made the 55MPH federal(interstates) speed limit. He consulted
withour government to show them how many millions of % they could make
every 5MPH the speed lmit was artificially lowered. It always was a cash grab.
It always is.
To push for cops being allowed to "phone it in"? Hopefully the first few people dinged can aford a lawyer good enough to make a good Constitutional challenge.
One ham radio operator, using the mode of APRS with his GPS, proved in court that he wasn't speeding. The judge dismissed the charge.
He explained how it's his job to enforce these laws and asked how he was supposed to "let it go" if her speeding led to others speeding, leading to a dead kid on the road? She clammed up & aploogized.
Most people only see one side of the argument.
Yup, I don't answer Nature's Call; I jump to attention at Nature's Holler!
I thought a sneeze was known as a booger holler. <G>
Hallitosis is better than no breath at all. :P
True.
Like the commercial for a new box of baking soda in the icebox to eliminate odors. "Onion Power...Ahhhhh". <G>
??
The box of baking soda had been in the icebox a long time, and it was
no longer masking the food odors from getting to other foods (i.e. fish, onions, etc.).
Not usually. I've decided that "Everyone dies some time" but I'm not going to bother.
Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die.
"I'm no afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens" --M. Twain
Just like the late Joe Diffie's song "Prop Me Up Beside The Jukebox If
I Die" -- you can pay your respects one quarter at a time.
Oh, that's going back. . . good old Hanna Barbera - I only watch their Flintstones now. On occasion.
More the point of view he thought he was breinging his most valuable possessions, but in Heaven it's just asphalt ("the streets are paved
with gold")
Another one I like is the rich old miser who died. Peter is aking him
to his heavenly home.
"To be honest, sir," replied Peter, "We did the best we could with what you've sent us." (store up your treasure in Heaven. . .)
Soundd like he was the butt of much family ribbing for a while, eh?
I've never had venison, & I'm okay with that. I prefer my meat animals
be slaughtered humanely(clean, quick, & painless, as per Torah law)
With my first of two COVID-19 shots today, I postponed the rest of my medical stuff until mid-May...allowing 3 weeks after both shots.
Wise. One thing at a time for your body to deal with, eh? :)
Nothing wrong with naps -- if you need one & your life allows you to
fit it in, take it!
I would've liked more, but the setup kept me from being overdrawn.
So you won, in a way. . .
I've done similiar, up to supervisor anyway, & then took a mesage for
my boss & recommended he just toss it (he did).
Here's hoping & praying. . . I had a bill sneak up on me nme year, sas
I'd done volunter work for one org that gave me a $50 honorarium each month. That $600 was counted as "self employment income" so got
factored differently from "employment income" & suddenly, instead of getting a big refundcheque, I had to pay $19! (I did, whatever)
Smart man! I've arrived as much as 2 hours early for work or job interview, because t he buses actually ran n time! (I always have
books on my phone to read while waiting, & I usually get in early for interviews or other appointments; for work, I split the extra time
between reading+coffee & hitting my desk early to prep for the day
ahead. . .
I thought, as many, that my extra efforts were an noticeable as a man peeing his dark pants in a dark room, but when I asked for 4 hours off work(unpaid)to pick up my step daughter from the airport, my boss told
me to take the day off, with pay,. & explained, "I know what happens around here. I see you arrive early & stay late. . . Call this a thank you."
Oh, that'd bhe fine -- make for juicier meat on the grill, eh? I say
"as useless as a nun's uterus"; nuns' tits are usefgul as they
idfentify her as a female & model what one looks like to wee kids in
her charge.
It's just so bad that they sit down & discuss it in those terms behind secrecy doors.
She showed up in court with video of various cops doing the same &
worse on that street (without lights or sieens on, so it wasn't part of the job); fine dismissed & cops castigated in open court!
I try not to wish harm on anyone.
The rules for the Sanhedrin (Israel's Supreme Court of 70 elders) state that if you can't find at least 2-3 reasons to exonerate a man for a murder charge, you don't deserve to be a judge. & you should vote to acquit."
I thought a sneeze was known as a booger holler. <G>
That works, & sa fasrt is a cry for help from a turd in trouble; or an audio test of your waste disposal system! Or a barking frog.
The box of baking soda had been in the icebox a long time, and it was
no longer masking the food odors from getting to other foods (i.e. fish, onions, etc.).
Ahh, it had absorbed its weight in stink & now stunk itself? Eww. . .I hatet when I catch a whiff of those!
Pastyor was gioving a impsassioned sermon & went on to say, "all those
who expect to go to Heaven, please line up along the green wall"
Most did, then he said, "All those who hope to go to Heaven, line up
on the red wall."
All but one went.
The pastor addressed him, "Mr. Smythe, don't you want to go to Heaven
when you die?"
"OH!@!! When I die! Of course; I thought you were lining them up to go right now!"
I used to say I want to be buried upside down so those who hate me can kiss my butt!
Fred & Mark were talking & agreed to put aside two premium bottles of 40year scotch for when either one dies & to pour it on their grave.
"You don't mind," says Mark, "if I pass it through my kidneys first, do yas?"
George,their
Oh, that's going back. . . good old Hanna Barbera - I only watch
Flintstones now. On occasion.
I'm really showing my age now...let's see...
1) Quick Draw McGraw (aka El Kabong) and Babba Louie
2) Huckleberry Hound
3) Touche' Turtle (and Dum Dum)
4) Pixie and Dixie (and Mister Jinks)
5) Lippy The Lion (and Hardy Har-Har)
6) Wally Gator
7) Yogi Bear (and Boo Boo)
8) The Flintstones
9) The Jetsons
More the point of view he thought he was breinging his most valuable possessions, but in Heaven it's just asphalt ("the streets are paved with gold")
To me, asphalt is when you hit the tennis ball with your butt <G>.
himAnother one I like is the rich old miser who died. Peter is aking
whatto his heavenly home.
[snip]
"To be honest, sir," replied Peter, "We did the best we could with
you've sent us." (store up your treasure in Heaven. . .)
<ZING!>
For sure. I went ahead and paid both his and my personal property tax
and real estate tax today (his was cheaper than mine). So, I met him for lunch today to tell him I had paid it. He said "I never got a bill", and
I said "I had them sent to me, so they wouldn't get lost". I told him
what I paid, and he reimbursed me. I went and put that back into the bank.
I called one of the medical folks, and they said I could go out between the shots for errands, etc., as long as I had a mask on.
Nothing wrong with naps -- if you need one & your life allows you to fit it in, take it!
Frequent naps prevent old age...especially if taken while driving. <G>
Or "I want to die like my grandfather did...in his sleep. Not like the
other passengers in his car that were screaming". <G>
I'd rather be early, because if you're more than 10 minutes late to
many clinics, they charge you a no show fee, you have to reschedule,
and you may have to wait several weeks to get in again.
That reminds me of years ago in New England, this major textileproduction
plant, caught fire just before Thanksgiving...putting all the employeesout
of work, and it looked like they wouldn't have any money for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., and wouldn't be back to work until the spring.
Well, the owner...a Jewish man...decided to go ahead and pay all of the employees during the rebuilding...as the insurance quickly settled for repairs. When they reopened in the spring, the employees were ready to
kiss his feet..."When do you want us to work for you??". He was there
for them when they needed him...now, they were ready to return the favor.
Oh, that'd bhe fine -- make for juicier meat on the grill, eh? I say "as useless as a nun's uterus"; nuns' tits are usefgul as they idfentify her as a female & model what one looks like to wee kids in her charge.
Or where the little baby preferred "the natural milk" from his Momma's breasts, rather than from the milk bottle that Daddy had in his hand. <G>
If we knew of all the money under the table, we'd be furious. But, on Judgment Day, whether done in secret or in the open, there will be "No Question Of Guilt".
Some say that I'm doing that when it comes to hazardous weather...be it for tornadoes, large hail, damaging winds, and flooding rain during
tornado season or hurricanes...or snow and ice for winter storms.
Basically, for those who are WANTING the severe or winter weather,
let THEM experience the property damage, injury, death, etc. -- as
they were wanting it (to prove "Be Careful What You Ask For"). For
those who do NOT want the hazardous weather (like myself, and so
many others), may they be spared from it.
stateThe rules for the Sanhedrin (Israel's Supreme Court of 70 elders)
that if you can't find at least 2-3 reasons to exonerate a man for a murder charge, you don't deserve to be a judge. & you should vote to acquit."
None of that was followed in Jesus' trial. In short, Jesus wasn't the Messiah that the Pharisees were looking for. When they told Him to tell
His Disciples to be quiet, He said "If they do, the rocks and stones
will cry out".
I thought a sneeze was known as a booger holler. <G>
That works, & a fart is a cry for help from a turd in trouble; or an audio test of your waste disposal system! Or a barking frog.
Or like from "Caddyshack" -- "did somebody step on a duck??". Or where
one small duck was behind another one, who was apparently bent over, and
he told the other one "I can see your quack". <G>
I think of the one where the pastor was trying to raise money for the building fund to expand the church facilities. So, before the church service, he wired all the pews with electricity...and had the main
control box in the pulpit.
He gets up there and says "Now, all you men and brethren, who feel
led of The Lord to give $100 to the new building, stand up". He
pushed a button, and 20 people sprang to their feet (like they had
a choice??!! <G>).
"Excellent!!" the pastor said. He continued and said "Now, all you
men and brethren, who feel led of The Lord to give $500 to the new
building, stand up". He pushed another button, and 30 people sprang
to their feet!!
"Fine, Fine!!" the pastor beamed. He continued with "Now, all you
men and brethren, who feel led of The Lord to give $1000 to the new building, stand up".
He pulled the Master Control Switch, and electrocuted 14 deacons!!
<BG>.
canI used to say I want to be buried upside down so those who hate me
kiss my butt!
There was another joke on that, but it escapes me offhand.
doFred & Mark were talking & agreed to put aside two premium bottles of 40year scotch for when either one dies & to pour it on their grave.
"You don't mind," says Mark, "if I pass it through my kidneys first,
yas?"
Talk about telling them to "Kiss My Glass". <G>
I remember most from my childhood, mot often on the erstwile Saturday Morning Cartoons. (they brought an hour a week back of my faves --
HB/WB toons); but they're too predictable now, so I got bored & just
watch GSN instead, as that's my fam's preference.
Or, pointing out the cause of the huge intewrstate sinkhole, the expert pointed at first one then another senaor,m saying, "It wasn't his
fault, wasn't her fault, it was ASPHALT." as he pointed to the state highways commissioner.
God smiles & replies, "I sent you two boats & a helicopter; what more
did you want?
That's the standard. The f irst shot will provide you some immunity.
Here they're delaying second shots to ensure more get the first one
ASAP.
I usually don't have this problem; I arrive 30-609 minutes early & sit
& read whichever book I'm currently reading in Overdrive on my phone (librry books, usually) ; often, if my doc sees me, she'll take me in sooner & I'm done & on with my day quicker.
This is how it used tobe & still should be.
Sam Walton (Wal-Mart) thought similarly & look how big he got!
Or where the little baby preferred "the natural milk" from his Momma's breasts, rather than from the milk bottle that Daddy had in his hand. <G>
I think we all do(did! I meant DID! HONEST!!
It's all about what's in y our heart. Sounds like you're saying, to
God, "if there MUST be severe weather, let it only harm those who wish
for it or otherwise deserve it(got to be careful with that -- we all deserve 'spankings')(disciplinary, not punitive.)
Jesus' trial was not a legal Jewish court.
1) theryu trierd him t he day they arrested him (they woke the judges); the rule is to wait 24 hours on capitakl cases to begin the trial.)
2) the elder of the sahedrin spoke first (the ;law says the youngest speaks first, as if the elder does, he will influence the younger/less experienced) 3) They did not wait 24 hours to execute.
4) the highest law of the region (Pilate) gave him the max 40 lashes
with a whip. Rome invented the Double Indemnity prortection; once convicted & sentence is carried out, you cannot be tried or sentenced
on the same charge again. But he then ordered the execution, quite illegally by Roman AND Jewish law.
There was anotyher pastor who asked for a pledge from the tichest
member, to fix the roof.
Richie Rich stood up & said, "I pledge $500 towards the roof repair
fund."
Just then a piece of ceiling fell,hitting him on the head & he added, "Make that $5,000."; another piece & he says, "Ok, $20,000"
The pastor raised his eyes to Heaven & cried, "Hit him again, Lord!"
There was another joke on that, but it escapes me offhand.
Anything to do with being used as a bike rack?
Talk about telling them to "Kiss My Glass". <G>
Or "Never waste good scotch"
I remember most from my childhood, mot often on the erstwile Saturday Morning Cartoons. (they brought an hour a week back of my faves -- HB/WB toons); but they're too predictable now, so I got bored & just watch GSN instead, as that's my fam's preference.
I like the classic game shows, but some are rather "dorky". :P
expertOr, pointing out the cause of the huge intewrstate sinkhole, the
pointed at first one then another senaor,m saying, "It wasn't his fault, wasn't her fault, it was ASPHALT." as he pointed to the state highways commissioner.
Or the pothole repair truck fell into a huge pothole.
God smiles & replies, "I sent you two boats & a helicopter; what more did you want?
I've heard a variant of that.
That's the standard. The first shot will provide you some immunity. Here they're delaying second shots to ensure more get the first one ASAP.
I saw a story, where you have 90% protection with both shots, but only
80% with just one.
sitI usually don't have this problem; I arrive 30-609 minutes early &
& read whichever book I'm currently reading in Overdrive on my phone (librry books, usually) ; often, if my doc sees me, she'll take me in sooner & I'm done & on with my day quicker.
609 minutes early?? You must get there the night before. <G>
Sam Walton (Wal-Mart) thought similarly & look how big he got!
He's surely turning over in his grave now.
Momma'sOr where the little baby preferred "the natural milk" from his
breasts, rather than from the milk bottle that Daddy had in his hand.
I think we all do(did! I meant DID! HONEST!!
Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times...and I don't want
to nipple this in the bud. <G>
wishIt's all about what's in y our heart. Sounds like you're saying, to God, "if there MUST be severe weather, let it only harm those who
for it or otherwise deserve it(got to be careful with that -- we all deserve 'spankings')(disciplinary, not punitive.)
I didn't say they deserve it...they are "asking for it". So, let them
have it. It is true that you should "Be Careful What You Ask For".
judges);Jesus' trial was not a legal Jewish court.
1) theryu trierd him t he day they arrested him (they woke the
younger/lessthe rule is to wait 24 hours on capitakl cases to begin the trial.)
2) the elder of the sahedrin spoke first (the ;law says the youngest speaks first, as if the elder does, he will influence the
experienced) 3) They did not wait 24 hours to execute.
4) the highest law of the region (Pilate) gave him the max 40 lashes with a whip. Rome invented the Double Indemnity prortection; once convicted & sentence is carried out, you cannot be tried or sentenced on the same charge again. But he then ordered the execution, quite illegally by Roman AND Jewish law.
Pilate acquitted Jesus 4 times, but the Pharisees would settle for
nothing less than Jesus' execution. One author wrote a book called
"The Illegal Trial Of Jesus", showing the 18 Jewish Laws that were
broken.
There was another joke on that, but it escapes me offhand.
Anything to do with being used as a bike rack?
Yeah, that's the one!!
Talk about telling them to "Kiss My Glass". <G>
Or "Never waste good scotch"
There was a linguist who won a trip around the world and a supply
of Scotch for his comment.
You have the words "complete", "finished", and "completely finished". You'd think all of that was basically the same. He said that this is
what those mean:
1) When you marry the right woman, you're complete.
2) When you marry the wrong woman, you're finished.
3) When your wife catches you with another woman, you're completely finished.
... "If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better off dead". -R.Rabbit
Now they're remaking a bunch, like Chain Reaction, which I always liked
(I like to see how much of the chain I can get before they pop initial letters in!)
My fave games are trivia-based (Jeopardy, Millionaire, The Chase, etc)
as I can play along & learn things.
Or the pothole repair truck fell into a huge pothole.
That's usually an indication that they waited too long to go fix it!
It's a good joke & moral lesson, all in one! (like Mike Warnke's
standup from the '70s & '80s)
Elijah stands off to the side, laughing, yelling, "Call louder. Maybe he's sleeping!"
I expect Warnke, now, would finish by having Elijah turn to the
Baalites with a hearty, "BOOYA, DITCHES!!!"
I also like how he t old the Jonah story:
towards shore where the Ninevites were gathered, just watyching this spectacle of a man, with seaweed & stomach acids dripping out of his
hair & beard, slowly, wade towards shore, then lifts up one hand,
likewise dripping, & intones, "REPEEEENT!"
(I picture a crowd's worth of fertilizer suddenly making an appearance behind closed loincloths!)
That's the standard. The first shot will provide you some immunity. Here they're delaying second shots to ensure more get the first one ASAP.
Sounds about right. BC is trying to get more people at 80% before going the 2nbd to give (95% is what I heard the max efficacy is, with Pfizer
& Moderna near it, & Astro-Zeneca closer to 90%)
609 minutes early?? You must get there the night before. <G>
30-60 minutesl it's tough typing when you only have one working hand!
Sam Walton (Wal-Mart) thought similarly & look how big he got!
He's surely turning over in his grave now.
Not sure; his family still has controlling stock & are filthy rich.
What else does he want? Their excuse would be the changing mores of
the American/global cxonsumer, demanding cheaper & cheaper, so everything's msade in China now (you've seen that story of the world's largest shipping vessel arriving full in USA, but returning empty?
Or where the little baby preferred "the natural milk" from hisMomma's
breasts, rather than from the milk bottle that Daddy had in his hand.
I think we all do(did! I meant DID! HONEST!!
Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times...and I don't want
to nipple this in the bud. <G>
Bud Light?
Funny thing, you can get milk & make cheese & cream from ANY mammal(by definition); I wonder howe many rat farms are currently producing what percentage of our commercial milk?); I could traihn rats to hook themselves up to tiny auto-start milk pumps, so so could anyone else, especially if it's their business!
Pilate acquitted Jesus 4 times, but the Pharisees would settle for
nothing less than Jesus' execution. One author wrote a book called
"The Illegal Trial Of Jesus", showing the 18 Jewish Laws that were
broken.
Sounds like that book may have been the source for the article I read.
Yup, it was in no way a Jewish trial. It was a Roman kangaroo court.
It even broke Roman laws!
Looks like we've both been reading/hearing humour to hold up in trying times. It(humour) saved my lifwe, I believe. I was despondent after realizing I was crippled forever, but I discovered standup comedy on my TV, & watched 1-3 hours/day, depending on the day & available shows.
Laughter is the best medicine; unless you have diabetes, then insulin
is the best medicine. . .
George,liked
Now they're remaking a bunch, like Chain Reaction, which I always
initial(I like to see how much of the chain I can get before they pop
letters in!)
There's actually a doorgame by that name, and I think I have it on the BBS.
etc)My fave games are trivia-based (Jeopardy, Millionaire, The Chase,
as I can play along & learn things.
I tried playing the one with Synchronet, but I'm just not very knowledgeable on certain subjects.
It's a good joke & moral lesson, all in one! (like Mike Warnke's standup from the '70s & '80s)
Hadn't heard his name in awhile!!
MaybeElijah stands off to the side, laughing, yelling, "Call louder.
he's sleeping!"
One translation actually has "He's sitting on the toilet". :P
I expect Warnke, now, would finish by having Elijah turn to the Baalites with a hearty, "BOOYA, DITCHES!!!"
I've heard some say that when Lazarus was eating fried chicken with
Elijah and Moses, and The Lord calls "Lazarus!! Come Forth!!"...so,
the reply is "What do You Want?? By now, I stinketh!!". <G>
appearanceI also like how he told the Jonah story:
towards shore where the Ninevites were gathered, just watyching this spectacle of a man, with seaweed & stomach acids dripping out of his hair & beard, slowly, wade towards shore, then lifts up one hand, likewise dripping, & intones, "REPEEEENT!"
No pressure. They did repent, but apparently it didn't last long.
(I picture a crowd's worth of fertilizer suddenly making an
behind closed loincloths!)
I would say so.
immunity.That's the standard. The first shot will provide you some
oneHere they're delaying second shots to ensure more get the first
goingASAP.
Sounds about right. BC is trying to get more people at 80% before
Pfizerthe 2nbd to give (95% is what I heard the max efficacy is, with
& Moderna near it, & Astro-Zeneca closer to 90%)
I saw where they suspended the Johnson and Johnson and Moderna shots in some areas. I'm to get the Pfizer one on April 23.
609 minutes early?? You must get there the night before. <G>
30-60 minutesl it's tough typing when you only have one working hand!
I'll give you that. I have 2 hands, but I have fat finger syndrome. But, without fat fingers, how do you pick up the food and the silverware??!!
world'sSam Walton (Wal-Mart) thought similarly & look how big he got!
He's surely turning over in his grave now.
Not sure; his family still has controlling stock & are filthy rich. What else does he want? Their excuse would be the changing mores of the American/global cxonsumer, demanding cheaper & cheaper, so everything's msade in China now (you've seen that story of the
largest shipping vessel arriving full in USA, but returning empty?
I heard he would show up in a store, incognito...and if he saw an "associate" not doing his job, that person was fired the next day.
hand.Or where the little baby preferred "the natural milk" from hisMomma's
breasts, rather than from the milk bottle that Daddy had in his
I think we all do(did! I meant DID! HONEST!!
I don't remember what I had. I do recall my brother and I had the cloth diapers growing up, that were washed and cleaned in the diaper pails, with bleach, soap, etc. Now, you just throw them in the trash...and they are causing a big health deal in landfills, with all the excrement. And, comedian Jeff Foxworthy noted that "you've got the kids coming out of diapers, but the grandparents are going into them". :P
mammal(byFunny thing, you can get milk & make cheese & cream from ANY
whatdefinition); I wonder howe many rat farms are currently producing
nearlypercentage of our commercial milk?); I could traihn rats to hook themselves up to tiny auto-start milk pumps, so so could anyone else, especially if it's their business!
I had field rats work their way in here 2 months after my Mom died
2 years ago...and I had to pay a large amount of money to get that problem taken care of. We hadn't had much of a winter in several years (until westate
got back to back snowstorms this past February, that shut much of the
down for at least a week...and some places were shut down a month, due to burst pipes and water damage)...so, the rodents were looking for a warm place to spend the winter.
read.Pilate acquitted Jesus 4 times, but the Pharisees would settle for nothing less than Jesus' execution. One author wrote a book called
"The Illegal Trial Of Jesus", showing the 18 Jewish Laws that were broken.
Sounds like that book may have been the source for the article I
It might have been...I've never ordered it...but probably should.trying
Yup, it was in no way a Jewish trial. It was a Roman kangaroo court.
It even broke Roman laws!
Looks like we've both been reading/hearing humour to hold up in
mytimes. It(humour) saved my lifwe, I believe. I was despondent after realizing I was crippled forever, but I discovered standup comedy on
TV, & watched 1-3 hours/day, depending on the day & available shows.
If you want some funny stuff, go look at the old Hollywood Squares
one liners, etc. -- especially with Paul Lynde. Even he admitted that
he had no idea how that got past the censors.
Laughter is the best medicine; unless you have diabetes, then insulin is the best medicine. . .
I'm at the low end of pre-type 2...but I have to wait until mid-May to reschedule medical things...at least 2 weeks after I have the 2nd COVID-19 shot.
Nice! I don't do Telnet -- not as simple as it was in DOS. . . or
Win98. . .
If you have HTTP access, I'm deffo interested to visit!
You can take a stab at it if you like:
Yup -- Conunction Junction, I'm Just a Bill, Lolly Lolly, Get Your
Adverbs Here, stand out in my memory. . .
I'll have to look them up. . . Two of my fave all time clean comics,
who tell funny tales are: John Pinette(RIP), & Bob Newhart. . . they
live on, on YouTube, of course. . .
Not bad -- I got hot flashes for 24 hours after getting 1st Pfizer, but
at least I have 85% or so protection. .
That ain't right -- we don't allow that sort of thing in my city.
He still had majority interest in each, leading to some wags suggesting
he left the courtroom asking his lawyer, "So, what? Now I own TWO monopolies?"
That, too. We've had no trouble catching either. Get good wood snap traps & bait with peanut butter. Usually get the offending critter
first night we have them out.
"The doghouse"? Is that what you kids are calling it now?
If none of it was processed & urinated out, you might gain net 1g of
fat.
I eat what I want -- I'm just working on only eating moderate
quantities now.
whatNice! I don't do Telnet -- not as simple as it was in DOS. . . or Win98. . .
If you have HTTP access, I'm deffo interested to visit!
It has a website interface, but once everything gets moved, I'll see
it does. I'm hoping everything will work OK.
We were dealing with multiple rounds of severe weather the last few days and overnight...but we've got 3 quiet weather days until the weekend, and early next week.
Yup -- Conunction Junction, I'm Just a Bill, Lolly Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here, stand out in my memory. . .
I forgot to mention I'm just a Bill...and it wasn't Clinton. Ironically,
a local user is Bill Clinton, but it's not the one that got cozy with Monica. This one is also an amateur radio operator, and used to run a BBS
in the area years ago.
I'll have to look them up. . . Two of my fave all time clean comics, who tell funny tales are: John Pinette(RIP), & Bob Newhart. . . they live on, on YouTube, of course. . .
Bob Newhart "lives" in another hobby I do...ham radio. On the Kentucky D-Star Net, Net Control is Larry (NN4H is his callsign), with Darrell
(AC4YD is his callsign), and the other brother Daryl (me)(WX4QZ is my callsign). <G>
You mean your first black president, with the Monica thing, right?
One of the best is a bus driver's school, or Driving School. . .
THE DRIVING INSTRUCTOR
by
Bob Newhart
George,was
You mean your first black president, with the Monica thing, right?
He blew that in more ways than one. <G> Seriously, the Bill Clinton I
referring to is a bit younger than me, he used to run a BBS in the area,and
he's also a fellow ham radio operator.
One of the best is a bus driver's school, or Driving School. . .
THE DRIVING INSTRUCTOR
by
Bob Newhart
<massive snip!>
I see these "student drivers" around town on occasion. I give them
plenty of room. Just like the dump trucks, that warn "keep back 200 feet...not responsible for broken windshields".
Any time I'm warned & I know the other is using the sign to avoid consequences for their errors, I give lots of room. . .
Q: Who has the right of way at an Alabama 4-way stop?
A: The jacked up 4X4 with 3 gun racks & a bumper sticker that says
"Guns dont kill peoiple--_I_ kill people!"
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnÆt get my
gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
I shot a man with a paintball gun...
....just to watch him dye.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but IÆm
not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
My friend got pulled over and the cop drew his gun on him!
Luckily the ink washed off after a couple days
A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a labeling gun
Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
He's a small arms dealer
IÆm mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.
What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.
I started carrying a gun with me after an attempted robbery a few years ago. Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.
Q: Who has the right of way at an Alabama 4-way stop?
A: The jacked up 4X4 with 3 gun racks & a bumper sticker that says "Guns dont kill peoiple--_I_ kill people!"
You should see the application to date his daughter. <G>
not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
Really. The printers aren't that expensive, but the ink cartridges are.
I've heard some dumb criminal stories...such as wearing their workuniform
when they went into the bank, and using their deposit ticket as the stick-up
note.
| Sysop: | deepend |
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