Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal
the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
A: Mr. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.

Q: How long did it take for you to get from where you live to Mr. Hicks
office in Mount Vernon?
A: From where I live, it's 14 miles to Mount Pleasant, 14 miles to
Pittsburgh, and 14 miles to Mount Vernon. I'm 14 miles from nowhere,
any which way I go. Plus another 14 to come home; that's 28 miles
throwed away.

Q: How much education do you have??
A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College.
Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time?
A: I think so.
Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University
Of Texas, didn't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie?
A: It was a barefaced lie.

Q: Are you married??
A: Divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened?
A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall
onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal.
Q: At that moment, what did you say?
A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt".

Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day.
Is that true?
A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to
prove it.

Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for
about 6 months?
A: Yes.
Q: You got to know them quite well?
A: Yes.
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.

Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question?
A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease.
Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well?
A: 1985.
Q: But, this is 1988.
A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
--- SBBSecho 3.13-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal
the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
A: Mr. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.

Q: How long did it take for you to get from where you live to Mr. Hicks
office in Mount Vernon?
A: From where I live, it's 14 miles to Mount Pleasant, 14 miles to
Pittsburgh, and 14 miles to Mount Vernon. I'm 14 miles from nowhere,
any which way I go. Plus another 14 to come home; that's 28 miles
throwed away.

Q: How much education do you have??
A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College.
Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time?
A: I think so.
Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University
Of Texas, didn't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie?
A: It was a barefaced lie.

Q: Are you married??
A: Divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened?
A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall
onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal.
Q: At that moment, what did you say?
A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt".

Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day.
Is that true?
A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to
prove it.

Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for
about 6 months?
A: Yes.
Q: You got to know them quite well?
A: Yes.
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.

Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question?
A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease.
Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well?
A: 1985.
Q: But, this is 1988.
A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal
the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
A: Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.

Q: How long did it take for you to get from where you live to Mr. Hicks
office in Mount Vernon?
A: From where I live, it's 14 miles to Mount Pleasant, 14 miles to
Pittsburgh, and 14 miles to Mount Vernon. I'm 14 miles from nowhere,
any which way I go. Plus another 14 to come home; that's 28 miles
throwed away.

Q: How much education do you have??
A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College.
Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time?
A: I think so.
Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University
Of Texas, didn't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie?
A: It was a barefaced lie.

Q: Are you married??
A: Divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened?
A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall
onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal.
Q: At that moment, what did you say?
A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt".

Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day.
Is that true?
A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to
prove it.

Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for
about 6 months?
A: Yes.
Q: You got to know them quite well?
A: Yes.
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.

Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question?
A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease.
Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well?
A: 1985.
Q: But, this is 1988.
A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having sex.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

From the same book (from memory, so pardon the brain farts if errors, pls)

Attorney: You've testified the victim was dead, correct? Doctor: Yes, sir.
A: Are you SURE he was dead.
D: Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk, but I guess he MIGHT be out practicing law somewhere.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Jeeze -- I know what was going on, theattorney was likely tryingt o get it dowen to simple assault, from aggravated assault & attempted murder, & was asking the witness (his client, i'm guessing) if the attack was an attempted murder, or just a venting of frustration -- he might've been clearer in what he was seeking. Of course, there's no way the DA was going to object! *LOL*

If I had more free time, I think I'd spend time in courtrooms -- getting the drama & comedy live! If I had a way I could take notes & they'd be legible, I'd have plenty of material for a blog or column, I'm sure!

Q: How much education do you have??
A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College.
Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time?
A: I think so.
Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University
Of Texas, didn't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie? A: It was a barefaced lie.

Well, isn't that nice, when he admits the truth under oath in open court! Lots will just double down on the lies.

We had a juror jailed a couple years ago 'cause she was having intimate relations with & cash payoffs from the defendant in exchange for her voting not guilty, & pushing the other jurors to votre likewise.

Whacko!

Q: Are you married??
A: Divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

How does she know that? objection, your honour, the witness is suppositioning without verifiable witnessing of these alleged activities. This is prejudicing the jury against my client. Move to strike.

Normal judges either sustain it, or overrule it, to seewhere she's going with it.

Me: Shut the **** up; you called an idiot to the stand as one of YOUR witnesses, now suffer, you little she-dog!

Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened?
A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall
onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal.
Q: At that moment, what did you say?
A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt".

As judge I'd say, "bull ****ing s***! I'm going to cite you for perjury if you don't hurry up and fix that statement to be the truth & nothing but the truth, as you swore to do before taking that seat."

Okay, now we all know wny I'm not a judge!

Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day.
Is that true?
A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to
prove it.

That is a pure WTF moment right there! I have to wonder how many head shlkes this caused!

Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for about 6 months?
A: Yes.
Q: You got to know them quite well?
A: Yes.
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.

Most damned cross-examination, anyhow!

Guy asked his boss for the afternoon off as hs wife is conceiving at 2pm.

The bnoss says, "I'm not sure what you mean, but I have a feeling you'd better be therefor that one! Sure, go ahead."

Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question?
A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease.
Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well?
A: 1985.
Q: But, this is 1988.
A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years.

Talk to any seller on craigslist or Facebook's Bidwars/etc. & you'll get that same story!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Close enough!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

I'm pretty sure I've dated her. . . *sigh*

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Except it's not his date of birth --it's his birthday.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

Give or take on all numbers. Did the lawyer greet him with, "Hi, how are you?" or "How high are you?"

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..

I have honestly given answers like this.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Oops, forgot idiot lawyers get last word, unless the judge demands it.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Good doctor! I like that doctor!

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney: Your honour, please direct the witness to restrict his answers to only the information asked for.
Judge: I think that was VERY relevant information, counselor, & remember, he is under oath.

Judge sex:
She offered her honour.
He honored her offer
Then all night long
It was on 'er & off 'er.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?

I need to know WTH the lawyer was thinkng in that question. The only possible explanatoin was it was a picture of someone else that the witness owned)the photo, not the someone else, necessarily)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having sex.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

No unbribed judge would deny this request!

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

Nowadatys, this is a thing of contentino -- just because HE has a beard & a penis sdoesn't mean he IDENTIFIES as a male/man!

My answert is always going to be, "how the hell can I know -- I don't make it a habnit of checking crotches in public, or asking the question, 'what sex and gencer do you identify as?'"

BecaUSE IT'S FOOLISHY -- YOU CAN I9DEBTIFY ASA ANY DARN GENDER YOU WANT, BUT YOUR SEX IS YOUR SEX -- DETERMINED BY AN xy CHROMOSOME IN every GENE, IN EVERY
CELL OF YOUR ODY. Oops, sorry for caps. This tpically results in certauin primary &v secondary sexual characteristics, themselves subject to a one in ten million, or more, mutation in their programming. . .

I suggest you try to get the person in question to strip naked in front of the jury & state their sex idebntity & preferred gender(s) for the Court.

I see you had the brain in a jar, out practicing law one in your batch. . . (sorry, here's a few extra objokes to make up for it)

Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!! Judge: That╞s out of order.

I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, ⌠Order! Order in the courtroom!÷
So I said, ⌠A pastrami on rye, please.÷ (actually I requested a reuben on punmpernickel, but I ended p getting a pastrami on rye)

The guy in the wheel chair hates going to the courtroom He suffers in juries

Q: What do you call a courtroom leader with issues? A: Judgemental

Q: What kind of spice hangs around in a courtroom? A: A BAY LEAF!!!

Q: What do you call a small courtroom? A: Trial size.

A lawyer broke the courtroom dress code. It resulted in a law suit.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Attorney: You've testified the victim was dead, correct? Doctor: Yes,
sir. A: Are you SURE he was dead.
D: Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk, but I guess he MIGHT be
out practicing law somewhere.

<ZING!> <G>

Jeeze -- I know what was going on, the attorney was likely trying to get it down to simple assault, from aggravated assault & attempted murder
and was asking the witness (his client, i'm guessing) if the attack was an attempted murder, or just a venting of frustration -- he might've
been clearer in what he was seeking. Of course, there's no way the DA
DA was going to object! *LOL*

Objection: That statement should be taken out and shot. <G>

If I had more free time, I think I'd spend time in courtrooms --
getting the drama & comedy live! If I had a way I could take notes & they'd be legible, I'd have plenty of material for a blog or column,
I'm sure!

My late father never got called for jury duty...but my late Mom and I
always mused what things would've been like, had he been the jury foreman
at a trial. <G>

Q: How much education do you have??
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie? A: It was a barefaced lie.

Well, isn't that nice, when he admits the truth under oath in open
court! Lots will just double down on the lies.

I heard of a guy who was attending Baylor University in Waco, Texas. He
was going to become an attorney...but changed his major as "he could not be with a job that lied all the time". As the tagline notes:

"Jury: A group of 12 deciding which person has the best lawyer". <G>

We had a juror jailed a couple years ago 'cause she was having intimate relations with & cash payoffs from the defendant in exchange for her voting not guilty, & pushing the other jurors to vote likewise.

Whacko!

Not much surprises me anymore, with all the corruption.

Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

How does she know that? objection, your honour, the witness is suppositioning without verifiable witnessing of these alleged
activities. This is prejudicing the jury against my client. Move to strike.

Practically. I remember during the voir dire of one jury I was to
be seated on, they were dealing the concept of "accomplice liability".
The scenario was a bank robbery...obviously the guy with the gun is
guilty, as is the guy driving the getaway car. But, when the prosecutor
asked "what about the guy sitting at home, who planned it??". I raised
my hand, and said "His hand is in the pie as much as the others". To
which, the defense attorney shouted "Objection!! May we approach the bench??"...and they asked that "Mr. Stout be excused". I thanked them,
wished them good day...and as I soon I exited the courthouse, I was
in guffaws. <G> If they knew I had a course in criminal justice in
college, they would've wanted me out of there instantly, because "I
knew too much".

Me: Shut the **** up; you called an idiot to the stand as one of YOUR witnesses, now suffer, you little she-dog!

Amazing how a strategy can quickly backfire.

As judge I'd say, "bull ****ing s***! I'm going to cite you for perjury
if you don't hurry up and fix that statement to be the truth & nothing but the truth, as you swore to do before taking that seat."

I liked the one where this guy said "I'm tired of being on welfare and
the public teat...I want to get a real job". The unemployment officer said "Today's your lucky day...I've got just the job for you!!. You work on this cruise ship, traveling the world, and get paid for satisfying the lusts and desires of the female crew!!".

Incredulous, the guy said "You're [kidding] me!!". To which, the officer
said "Well, you started it!!" <BG>

That is a pure WTF moment right there! I have to wonder how many head shakes this caused!

So many that you got dizzy. <G>

Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.

Most damned cross-examination, anyhow!

Just about.

Guy asked his boss for the afternoon off as hs wife is conceiving at
2pm.

The boss says, "I'm not sure what you mean, but I have a feeling
you'd better be therefor that one! Sure, go ahead."

It takes two to tango...or make whoopee. <G>

Talk to any seller on craigslist or Facebook's Bidwars/etc. & you'll
get that same story!

For sure. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

I'm pretty sure I've dated her. . . *sigh*

You, too, huh?? <G>

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Except it's not his date of birth -- it's his birthday.

I'm (insert number here) for the (insert xth integer here) time. <G>

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

Give or take on all numbers. Did the lawyer greet him with, "Hi, how
are you?" or "How high are you?"

Can I have what you are smoking?? <G>

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..

I have honestly given answers like this.

I can't remember the last time I had a memory problem. <G>

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Oops, forgot idiot lawyers get last word, unless the judge demands it.

I sometimes wonder if the judge thinks to themselves "Why did I ever
decide to go into this profession??. :P

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Good doctor! I like that doctor!

To him, passing the bar exam is to see how much he can guzzle, and stay serfectly pober <hic!>. <G>

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney: Your honour, please direct the witness to restrict his
answers to only the information asked for. Judge: I think that was
VERY relevant information, counselor, & remember, he is under oath.

They ought to do likewise to the attorneys.

Judge sex:
She offered her honour.
He honored her offer
Then all night long
It was on 'er & off 'er.

Better fight than switch?? :P

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?

I need to know WTH the lawyer was thinkng in that question. The only possible explanation was it was a picture of someone else that the
witness owned)the photo, not the someone else, necessarily)

Nowadays, stuff can be photoshopped.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having sex.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

No unbribed judge would deny this request!

Or declare a mistrial. :P

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

Nowadays, this is a thing of contentino -- just because HE has a beard
& a penis sdoesn't mean he IDENTIFIES as a male/man!

There was a meme of this hairy armed and legged guy, with a beard,
dressed like a woman, wanting to enter the ladies restroom. Two big
bad burly cowboys are there on guard dury, and the sign they have notes
"If you're NOT a woman going in, you WILL be when you come out". Can you
say "No pressure??" <G>.

My answert is always going to be, "how the hell can I know -- I don't
make it a habit of checking crotches in public, or asking the
question, 'what sex and gender do you identify as?'"

You might as well as about their butts. That reminds me of a cartoon
that the guy who was my best man at my wedding (he died of cancer five
months after my wife died, 15 years ago). One of the cartoons he drew
showed this woman walking past the elephant pen at the zoo, with a butt
as curved and big as all get out. One pachyderm turns and says to the
other one "She reminds me of my first wife". <G>

BecaUSE IT'S FOOLISHY -- YOU CAN I9DEBTIFY ASA ANY DARN GENDER YOU
WANT, BUT YOUR SEX IS YOUR SEX -- DETERMINED BY AN xy CHROMOSOME IN
every GENE, IN EVERY CELL OF YOUR ODY. Oops, sorry for caps. This
tpically results in certauin primary &v secondary sexual
characteristics, themselves subject to a one in ten million, or more, mutation in their programming. . .

30 lashes with a wet ethernet cable. Although, if your wife decides
to get kinky, it may get raised to 60. <G>

I suggest you try to get the person in question to strip naked in front
of the jury & state their sex idebntity & preferred gender(s) for the Court.

<WHISTLE!> <eg>

Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!! Judge: That's out of order.

Judge: Order in the court!!
Attorney: I order an acquittal for my client.

I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, "Order! Order in the courtroom!" So I said, "A pastrami on rye,
please." (actually I requested a reuben on punmpernickel, but I ended
up getting a pastrami on rye)

Hold the onions, and add mustard. <G>

The guy in the wheel chair hates going to the courtroom He suffers in juries

He considers that a real handicap. :P

Q: What do you call a courtroom leader with issues? A: Judgemental

That, too.

Q: What kind of spice hangs around in a courtroom? A: A BAY LEAF!!!

That reminds me of the joke where this guy is having an affair with
a woman overseas, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. Well,
it turns out that this woman was going to have triplets, but she was
trying to figure out how to discretely tell her lover the sex of the
kids.

Well, one day, he gets a strange card in the mail, and his wife sees
it first. She tells her husband "You got a strange item in the mail
today...a card that notes 'Spaghett. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, and one without'". <G>

Q: What do you call a small courtroom? A: Trial size.

With many lawyers making $1000+ an hour, it's NOT a "free trial".

A lawyer broke the courtroom dress code. It resulted in a law suit.

Attorney: Have lawsuit - will travel.

Daryl

... Bulldozers: People who sleep through political speeches.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

I heard of a guy who was attending Baylor University in Waco, Texas. He
was going to become an attorney...but changed his major as "he could not be with a job that lied all the time". As the tagline notes:
"Jury: A group of 12 deciding which person has the best lawyer". <G>

I've heard that, too, & quote it on occasion.

Practically. I remember during the voir dire of one jury I was to
be seated on, they were dealing the concept of "accomplice liability".
The scenario was a bank robbery...obviously the guy with the gun is
guilty, as is the guy driving the getaway car. But, when the prosecutor
asked "what about the guy sitting at home, who planned it??". I raised
my hand, and said "His hand is in the pie as much as the others". To
which, the defense attorney shouted "Objection!! May we approach the bench??"...and they asked that "Mr. Stout be excused". I thanked them,
wished them good day...and as I soon I exited the courthouse, I was
in guffaws. <G> If they knew I had a course in criminal justice in
college, they would've wanted me out of there instantly, because "I
knew too much".

Yup. Can't have anyone in the jury who can see through the legal flimflam skit being put on.

I liked the one where this guy said "I'm tired of being on welfare and
the public teat...I want to get a real job". The unemployment officer said "Today's your lucky day...I've got just the job for you!!. You work on this cruise ship, traveling the world, and get paid for satisfying the lusts and desires of the female crew!!".
Incredulous, the guy said "You're [kidding] me!!". To which, the officer
said "Well, you started it!!" <BG>

One of my favourite stories to tell when on the subject of chronic welfarians. (meaning the ones who have the option to work instead, of course)

For sure. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

Yup. They play another game now -- they price their junk at a higher price than the good stuff, as people think higher price mneans better quality (not any more).

My bottom line in this & life is: Everything is negotiable.

I can't remember the last time I had a memory problem. <G>

You, too, eh?

To him, passing the bar exam is to see how much he can guzzle, and stay serfectly pober <hic!>. <G>

*seem sober.

Judge sex:
She offered her honour.
He honored her offer
Then all night long
It was on 'er & off 'er.

Better fight than switch?? :P

Too much switch hitting these days. . .

In this era of one night stands, I would consider actual sex to be first date information.

I'm waiting or People's Court to have a guy & a "girl" on, with him suing for half the date's cost, as there was no way he'd be taking it out in trade with another guy. & two guys split the costs when hanging out.

Judge would ask if questionswere asked or falsehoods explicitly made,& dismiss the case for lack of tangible evidence, as assumptions are not admissible in court. If I were the judge I'd add, "Haha, you dumbass, your name is getting published!

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?
I need to know WTH the lawyer was thinkng in that question. The only
possible explanation was it was a picture of someone else that the
witness owned)the photo, not the someone else, necessarily)

Nowadays, stuff can be photoshopped.

True enough -- that may have been the intent for that question. But sounds funier taken out of context.

There was a meme of this hairy armed and legged guy, with a beard,
dressed like a woman, wanting to enter the ladies restroom. Two big
bad burly cowboys are there on guard dury, and the sign they have notes
"If you're NOT a woman going in, you WILL be when you come out". Can you
say "No pressure??" <G>.

I like it! Too bad it's not more like that in real life.

One little(not so little) weasel up here was suing hair alons for not giving him the female "lower body wax" (aka a "Brazilian") because he identified as a woman he said itwas sexual discrimination; the judge, thankfully, threw it out
& identified that he was trolling.

Ick, right? He was also known to hangout in female change rooms of public pools & offer to help 12yo girls learn how to correctly insert a tampon!

I think word got to him that he was going to look less like a male when certain people got through with him, using a pair of garden scissors, as he kind of faded into the woodwork.

30 lashes with a wet ethernet cable. Although, if your wife decides
to get kinky, it may get raised to 60. <G>

Don't begiving her ideas now!

"Order! Order in the courtroom!" So I said, "A pastrami on rye,
please." (actually I requested a reuben on punmpernickel, but I ended
up getting a pastrami on rye)

Hold the onions, and add mustard. <G>

I dno't mind somefresh crisp & spicy onions, but in large crunchy pieces

Q: What do you call a small courtroom? A: Trial size.

With many lawyers making $1000+ an hour, it's NOT a "free trial".

Thus the trial size. . . :)

It's freefor the winner up here in civil cases.

If you suefor an amount higher than is awarded, you're responsible for the costs. We dno't get those crazu multi million dollar goofball lawsuits wasting the courts' time any more.

& we cut the lergs out from under lawyers cashing in on divorce strife by making BC all about community proprertyy -- 50/50, period, unless proof exists it should be different. My friend, recently deceased, was on that panel of lawyers & judges, pushing for this.

... Bulldozers: People who sleep through political speeches.

Guilty.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)